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Jokes


On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant knowing nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dose?, asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everything!"
31/Jan/2016, 1:45 pm Link to this post Send Email to solazy   Send PM to solazy Blog
 
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Re: Jokes


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
 mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
 gives him a partial sponge bath.

 "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

 Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
 here to wash your upper body and feet."

 He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
 testicles black?"

 Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
 from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
 and pulls back the covers.
 She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
 gently in the other.

 She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
 Sir. They look fine."

 The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
 very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
 very, very closely:

 Are - my - test - results - back?"
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Re: Jokes


A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an
 interfaith convention.

 The Jew, bragging about his virility said "I have four sons, one more and
 I'll have a basketball team!."

 The Catholic poo-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing boy, I
 have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

 To which the Mormon replied, "You fellers ain't got a clue. I have 17
 wives, one more and I'll have a golf course!."
31/Jan/2016, 1:51 pm Link to this post Send Email to solazy   Send PM to solazy Blog
 
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Re: Jokes


Five surgeons are discussing who makes the Best patients to operate on.

 The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
 The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

 The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

 The fourth surgeon, chimes in: "You know, I like construction [sign in to see URL] guys always understand when you have a
 few parts left over.'

 But the fifth surgeon, shut them all up when he said: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
 There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine... Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable!

Last edited by solazy, 31/Jan/2016, 1:56 pm
31/Jan/2016, 1:56 pm Link to this post Send Email to solazy   Send PM to solazy Blog
 
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Re: Jokes


Football teams with swear words.
Arsenal.
Scunthorpe.
F*****g Man U.
31/Jan/2016, 1:58 pm Link to this post Send Email to solazy   Send PM to solazy Blog
 
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Re: Jokes


Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

 Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. ''Follow me son'' the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

 ''First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.'' And they did.

 ''Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.'' And they did.

 ''Now we eat everybody.'' And they did.

 When they were both gorged, the son asked, ''Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?''

 His wise father replied, ''Because they taste better if you scare the crap out of them first!''
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Re: Jokes


At Hatchford Brook golf course, four men approached the 5th tee. The fairway runs beside the airport runway off on the left.

 The first golfer teed off and hooked the ball in that direction. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the wing of a passenger plane and was knocked back on to the fairway.

 As they all stood in amazement, one man asked him, "How on earth did you do that?"

He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You have to know the take-off times!
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